4:22 p.m. 2003-10-12
The Shrew says: A list of affirmations
Okay. I don't know how to start this. I really don't like hearing people tell me that I need to get over Matt. Emily told me this morning during church (okay, we had been talking about Homecoming and I had asked her if she thought his Homecoming date was pretty, so I was asking for it.) And on Friday, Tristan told me that she was unsure, that Matt acts the same way around me that he does his Homecoming date. I shouldn't even say anything. I should just chill out, enjoy my time with Matt when it's just the two of us, and not talk about him when I'm with Emily or Tristan, or anyone else for that matter.
I guess it's because sometimes I just feel like I need assurance, like I need to know that everything good that's happening isn't just in my mind. I need someone who I can be like "this is what's going on in my life and it makes me really happy. Do you think it's good?" I really REALLY shouldn't do this.. It's like I can only rely on what other people say, not what I feel. The following is a list of the top things that are making me really happy right now.
1.) Church
2.) Matt
3.) Band (and seeing Matt at band)
4.) My family and friends
5.)Play
6.) John Mayer
There.
6:37 p.m.
I don't know what I'm feeling right now.. There's just too much stuff swirling around my head. This afternoon I went and took my brother to Best Buy so he could buy the new Warcraft game. We came back and talked for a little while, and then our parents called us into the kitchen where they had been talking. Mom and Dad were standing against the counter, solemn expressions on their faces, my mother almost smiling, as if to somehow make what we were about to find out slightly more bearable; last night my 17-year-old cousin, Lewis, got arrested. He and his friends had just left a Homecoming dance and were in the parking lot of somewhere. My cousin was arrested because he was in possession of marijuana.
I couldn't believe it when I heard it. I all of a sudden felt awkward and weird and that every reaction I had was the wrong one. I think I even smiled for a flash of a moment, but I honestly was not happy.
Lewis and I were really really close when we were 10 or 11. We used to have so much fun together when we went to Grandma's house, playing cards and building these contraptions called "crazy ramps" on my grandfather's pool table. We would talk all the time, about anything, and we related to each other. Then, as we got older, we drifted apart. It hurt, but we're still family, and we still love each other. Now boom. This. God, I don't know what to say. Apparently he had been doing it in his parents' house all summer.
I will never know why people destroy their bodies and their families to get high..
